Why do I do this to myself every time?

Every ever-after I promise myself that this was the last time
Last failure
Last shame, guilt, letting him down
blaming myself
not feeling
NOT FEELING

It never is

It feels as if I am choosing between death and living
only that living feels as if feeling constant pain
and death feels like finally being free
And while I would love to chose life - mainly for him
My body and my mind craves to go

As if time has stayed still for 15 years
I have been so resistant
I have lasted so much more than I ever expected
But I feel as if I am overdue
so long overdue

I feel as if I bought time
for the resources I did not have
I feel as if I borrowed time
from YOU
and I hate myself for that
I hate, I hate, I despise.

And I am confused
For the ideas in my head
For the connection, empathy, sense, reality
I try to demolish my boundaries
even if they are not real
even if I don't know if they are real

I feel as if you are here with me
I feel as you died for me
I feel as I cannot exist
I feel as if there are no barriers between us
just this glass wall that I can see through
but no one else can understand
No one else can see.

Oh dear God, please let someone to understand.

No meaning

"There are moments that divide your life into before and after. No matter how much time passes, things will never be the same. Its OK to miss the safety of "before" and to question why something so awful happened... But leave room in your heart for the biggest question "what will you do with your "after"?"

I did not realize it was before and after. Until I was way into the "after". Drowning into the "after". Flowing by the after. Thinking if that is all there actually is.

And then I question - when did the after actually began? Did it start when he took his life? Or did it start when I had to finish US? Or did it start way before, when I was still very young and felt I had to hurt myself? When I felt alone and lonely in this world? When I felt that life is worthless? Or is it how I have always actually felt?

For a long time I have felt like being on a raft that is going aimlessly somewhere. Or that I am floating rather than swimming. Is it a choice that defines us or is it the choice that we chose? Did I ever even have a choice?

How do you make real choices when all you can choose is superficial? How do you matter? How do you contribute?

I self-destruct. I hate and despise. I fear. I empathize. I hide.

I feel I should be dead. So often, I want to be dead.