No meaning

"There are moments that divide your life into before and after. No matter how much time passes, things will never be the same. Its OK to miss the safety of "before" and to question why something so awful happened... But leave room in your heart for the biggest question "what will you do with your "after"?"

I did not realize it was before and after. Until I was way into the "after". Drowning into the "after". Flowing by the after. Thinking if that is all there actually is.

And then I question - when did the after actually began? Did it start when he took his life? Or did it start when I had to finish US? Or did it start way before, when I was still very young and felt I had to hurt myself? When I felt alone and lonely in this world? When I felt that life is worthless? Or is it how I have always actually felt?

For a long time I have felt like being on a raft that is going aimlessly somewhere. Or that I am floating rather than swimming. Is it a choice that defines us or is it the choice that we chose? Did I ever even have a choice?

How do you make real choices when all you can choose is superficial? How do you matter? How do you contribute?

I self-destruct. I hate and despise. I fear. I empathize. I hide.

I feel I should be dead. So often, I want to be dead.