Why do I do this to myself every time?

Every ever-after I promise myself that this was the last time
Last failure
Last shame, guilt, letting him down
blaming myself
not feeling
NOT FEELING

It never is

It feels as if I am choosing between death and living
only that living feels as if feeling constant pain
and death feels like finally being free
And while I would love to chose life - mainly for him
My body and my mind craves to go

As if time has stayed still for 15 years
I have been so resistant
I have lasted so much more than I ever expected
But I feel as if I am overdue
so long overdue

I feel as if I bought time
for the resources I did not have
I feel as if I borrowed time
from YOU
and I hate myself for that
I hate, I hate, I despise.

And I am confused
For the ideas in my head
For the connection, empathy, sense, reality
I try to demolish my boundaries
even if they are not real
even if I don't know if they are real

I feel as if you are here with me
I feel as you died for me
I feel as I cannot exist
I feel as if there are no barriers between us
just this glass wall that I can see through
but no one else can understand
No one else can see.

Oh dear God, please let someone to understand.