Mu arm

Mõtted. Ühel õhtul. Ühest õhtust.
Kujutlusvõime.
Ma olen võimeline Tundma, tajuma seda olemist, mis saab olema pärast Sind.
Pärast lahkumist.
Ma olen võimeline juba praegu
tundma koiduvalguse rebestavat valu
purunemist
hävingut
hingematvat tühjust
Ma tunnen seda juba praegu, teades, et see juhtub.

Sest ma nägin surma.
Nägin seda sinu silmades
Ühte suurt küsimust
kas seal on Meid pärast kõike?
kas Me oleme võimelised selleks?
Kas See ongi kõik?
Kas See ongi See?

Esialgsed unenägude suurused plaanid eluks
Tulen sinna, tuled siia...
Teades, kui ebareaalne, kui habras, kui õrn ja küsimatu see on.
Ma ei paluks sul jääda
Ja sa ei paluks mul kinni hoida

Elu, mida soovisin
vaadates teiste elu kõrvalt, kuid seda mitte tundes
enda sees, põlevat, põletavat
nüüd elades
Ei loobuks ma ühestki hetkest, sekundist
sinu lähedal
et mitte lõpus puruneda.
Ei. Ma ei loobuks. Ning selle nimel,
võin hävineda.

Kui hävinen juba praegu. Iga möödunud sekundiga lähemale kaotusele.
Kuidas, kuidas oleksin võimeline olema nädala sinuta? Kuu sinuta? Kuid? Päevi?
Päeva?
Nüüd, kui sa oled mu hinges.
Mu kehas.
Mu veres.
Nüüd, kus sa oled osa minust.
Mu Arm.

Minu komplikatsioonid ja kurbus
põimumas sinu kirgedega
imelik-veidrad üheskoos
ning võimetud üksinda.

Justkui muinasjutt ja unenägu
millest alati ärkama peab
ning edasi olelema
oma toas teed juues, üksinda
piineldes kaotuste valus ning suutmatuses
voodistki tõusta.

Ma avasin sulle enda hinge
enda vabaduse
südame
siiski midagi lubamata või ootamata
tean, neid kahtluseid ja põhjuseid
tean Sind, ennast reetmata
Peitudes pilvedesse või üksildasse kurbusesse
Olen tugev.
Olen.
Kuni elan. Kuni olen Sinuga. Kuni.
Lõpuni.

For a moment i was so lost in my life. Depending on people and things, depending about others. But now, i feel free again. So happy. And so free.
I have learned that "Happiness is wanting what you get". I didn´t agree at first. But i will, now.
When i dont want anything i feel that i have everything. And i do have. I have everything.

I want to tear down the walls
That hold me inside
I want to reach out
And touch the flame...
I want to feel sunlight on my face
I see the dust cloud disappear
Without a trace
I want to take shelter from the poison rain...
We're still building
Then burning down love
Burning down love...

Our love turns to rust
We're beaten and blown by the wind
Blown by the wind
Oh, and I see love
See our love turn to rust
Oh, when I go there
I go there with you
It's all I can do

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDkBzkA9L4s

ohh.
kui õnnelik.
kui õnnelik...

Torm.
Tuul ja pimedus ootamas vihma.
Ootamas vihma.
Katki.
Katkine taevas.
Uuesti ja jälle.
Meenutamas viimast tormi.
Mis oli nii sarnane.
Ja nii erinev.

Häbi?
Alandus?
Viha?
Kurbus?

And you looked at me. Like a stranger. Like not knowing me. Turned your face away. Turned your eyes away.
Talking about searching. Something. Being afraid. Not knowing. Your words were wrong. Thousands of little lies. Making no sense. Having no meanings. Just these words again. Breaking me again and again.
Did you find what you were searching for? Your meaning of life? Did you find it now?
Should i tell you about my feelings? Not anymore. I can just pretend. Act my life to be perfect. Without any hopes. As you wanted. I can be the things that you are waiting from me.
Why? Because i can. You were right, it is like an experiment. It always have been. How far can i go? How far can i push myself? When would be the line between extreme and normal? When would i loose my mind? When would i be totally broken? Could i drive myself crazy?
Don´t know. Maybe i am not so weak. Maybe i can survive this storm and all the next ones. Maybe i am just such a good pretender.
Maybe i will break. Maybe i will discover the real me behind all those masks. Maybe i will see a sign. Maybe i will stay being empty.

Õnnelikkus on illusioon
Nagu ka õnnetus.

Näiteks kui armastad kedagi
ja saad teada, et ta sind petab.
Või armastad kedagi
ja ta ütleb, et ta on õnnelikum sinuta.
Või kui leiad kellegi, kes on sulle õige
ning saad teada, et tal pole nii palju aega
eluks
elamiseks
haiget saamiseks, loobumiseks ja valuks.

Ja see ongi kõik.
Põhjused ja põhjendused
valikud
otsused
Võibolla me oleksime õnnelikud
Võibolla meil oleks pere ja lapsed ja kodu
Võibolla on tema ainus, kes teeb mind täiuslikuks

Võibolla on tema ainus, kellel luban ennast jätta
vastu vaidlemata
midagi ootamata
midagi nõudmata
teda alati tagasi oodates
Sest teda
ma armastan.
Ning tema elu
on ka minu elu.

Ma ei tea, kes ma olen
mida ma ootan elult
kuhu ma lähen.
ma ei tea, mida ma teeksin tema asemel
mida otsustaksin
kui üheks valikuks on elu, siis võibolla on see rohkem väärt.
olla elus.
hingata.
joosta vihmas.

sest armastus võib murda
puruneda
hävitada

aga, kas elu oleks väärt ilma selleta?

If I lie here
if I just lie here
Would u lay with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

See on tavaline, et tahaks joosta kuskile.
Siis, kui kõik on läbi.
Siis, kui kõik eelnev kadunud on.
Siis, kui sa saad aru, et oled jälle selles punktis.
Peale valu ja pettumuse on seal veel ka sarkasm.
Ikka ja alati mina, minuga. Ikka ja alati just niimodi. Ikka ja alati see lõppeb.
Ning niivõrd rumal tunne. Kuidas sain ma üldse arvata, et seekord see õnnestub. Kuidas saan ma alati uuesti sinna samma lõksu astuda. Kuidas saan ma pärast nii mitut ebaõnnestumist üldse loota. Uskuda. Olla kindel, et seekord läheb midagi teisiti. Kui igakord on lõpp ühesugune. Kui ma võin vaid riste tõmmata, kui palju kordi olen ma lõpetanud valus. Lahkuminekus.
Ning see külmus. Minu sees. Et jälle, jälle see juhtubki. Peaaegu tundetus.
Aga mitte. See ei ole tundetus. Ainult mõnel hetkel olen ma võimeline enda üle naerma. Teisel hetkel aga on tühjus, tunded, torm.
And you bleed just to know you´re alive.
Jooksen iga hetkega tühjemaks. Kõigest. Mitte vaid veri. Mitte vaid hullus. Vaid hing. See miski, mida ma suudan anda. Jagada. Mis veel minust järgi on. Mida inimesed märkavad. Naeratus. Sära. Ning kurbus silmades.
Ta on täiuslik. See, mida tahan. Aga ilmselt mitte see, mida vajan. Mitte mu kirg. Mitte mu vabadus. Mitte mu õnn. Mitte mu usaldus. Mitte mu hing.
See, kes on õige, ei tee sind õnnetuks. Ja kunagi, kunagi ma loodetavasti leian tema.
There is always angel in your life. Always. What if i dont recognize it in the right moment? Well, Angel will stay always. Even if you dont notice her/him at the right moment. Angel will always be near you.
Aga mitte mina. Võibolla ei ole ma Sinu ingel. Võibolla olen juba kellegi teise. Olen määratud olema kellegi teise.

Inglismaal on üks populaarne bänd. Üks lugu.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBl801hkRG8

Isegi, kui ma tean, et kõik on möödas. Kui ma tean, et üks elu on mu minevik ning teine elu lihtsalt ei õnnestu. Pean ma püsima elus ning seisma püsti. Ükskõik mis tundega. Millise naeratusega. Sest elu on seda väärt. Minu elu. Vaimustavad asjad. Ilu. Inimesed.
Silmad. Puudutused. Hetked.
Isegi, kui sellest midagi välja ei tule. Olen ma õnnelik, et mul on need hetked. Et mind on nii palju armastatud. Sest see ongi ainus, mis mu olemisele mõtte annab.
Ma pean nii mõtlema. Kuni suudan.

Kuni tuleb torm, mis mu murrab.
Ehk näen ka siis valgust.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-DZiyMpMgo&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6I2fnhcus_c&mode=related&search=

the pain and the pain.
the difference between pain and feeling nothing
freedom and death
in some moments they seem to be as one.
and the moments with anger and sadness
emotions and feelings
like the wind and the rain
disappearing
to nothing, to darkness

i wanted the rain or the sun
but today it doesn´t even matter
it could be whatever
i still couldnt move
push myself for doing something
it doesnt matter
nothing matters.

why didnt you listen to me?
why dont you see Me?
why dont you want to understand?
How could you miss my feelings?
Do you enjoy your happiness now?
Have you even noticed my sorrow?
Have you tried to be in my way?
Did you even thought about it?
Or you just want to be as you want to be.
And do whatever you want to do
And hide your thoughts and truth from me.

You could have been honest.
If you don´t feel the passion
Or if you think it could be better, with somebody else
If it wasn´t good enough
true enough
worth enough

"and i dont want the world to see me
cause i dont think that they´d understand
when everything´s made to be broken
i just want you to know who i am"

I guess you are the earth and i am the fire.

I can not be same longer than minute
i want to burn or the flame will die
i want to catch everything that can burn
i want to be more and more

i can come just from one accidental thing
i can become 3 times bigger if there is some gasoline
something can give me more power or take it away
you will never know how will i react or what i will do
you will never know when i am going to end
you will never know when i will start again.
i can be dangerous, i can play
but i can stay controlled and calm.

i am extreme in some days
i can run away just because i feel this way
i can refuse to leave, if you want me to leave.
i can be empty in other days
because i remember too much of fires
that has ended with pain and perdition
i can not give you peace of mind
i can not accept ignorance.

i need everybody to be impulsive
to need me for warm
to invite me for play
to feel desire for me.
without it - i can not live.

You are like earth.
you can stay calm and strong in every situation.
you know what you are and what you want
you can give others peace of mind
you can always be good and caring
you are something, that people need for living
you never loose your temper
never decide without thinking
never do something unnecessary
you can live with everything you have
never thinking about things, that you could have
you can always be rational
you will never burn for something you don´t know
you will never die for something that isn´t worth it.
you will never have to be crazy
you will never have to feel fire touching your soul.

i will never know how you feel life
how you feel sorrow
how you feel love
how you feel me.
i will never know what do you feel
i will never know do you understand my burning
do you understand my sorrow or do i understand yours
can we be as equal or
you always want to win
and i don´t want to loose...

I will never know do you feel passion in every second
do you see our future
or is it just one of my crazy dreams

i will never know how long would you follow me
where would you be with me
or when would you leave

i dont know when you want to be as a secret
as a friend
and when do you want to be honest
and when you are dreaming
or when you are being serious

i dont know your soul
or your thoughts
as i would like to know
i dont know, would you like me to be there
to hold you in good and in bad times
or you just want to enjoy the good times with me

i dont know you as much as i would like to know
because you are the earth
and i am the fire.

Prestonis on üks park ning seal pargis on üks paviljon. Valge katusega ümmargune paviljon. Mida ümbritsevad valgete rooside põõsad. Veidi eemal on suur purskaev. Ja vanaaegsed pingid ja tänavalaternad. Kui ma esimest korda seal käisin, mõtlesin kuidas inimesed seal abielluvad. Sellises armsas kohas. Kui ma teist korda seal käisin, abiellusin ise. Ühe inimesega, nii heaks kui halvaks. Kuni lõpuni.
Perekonnanime vahetasin mina. Elukoht on otsustamata. Mesinädalad on 19 jaanuarini. Pulmatantsuks sattus hiljem olema Hele Kõre ja Kristjan Kasearu Romeo ja Julieti laul.
Selline oli minu hinge sidumine teise hingega.
Ta on mu meelerahu.
Mõte minu naeratusteks.
Mu kallis.

Goo Goo Dolls - Without You Here

Your love's a gathered storm I chased across the sky
A moment in your arms became the reason why
And you're still the only light that fills the emptiness
The only one I need until my dying breath
And I would give you everything just to
Feel your open arms
And I'm not sure I believe anything I feel
And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

And I'm trying to believe
In things that I don't know
The turning of the world
The color of your soul
That love could kill the pain
Truth is never vain
It turns strangers into lovers
And enemies to brothers
Just say you understand
I never had this planned
And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here
Without you here
There's nothing more without you
Without you here

My head lies to my heart
And my heart it still believes
It seems the ones who love us are the ones
That we deceive
But you're changing everything
You're changing everything in me
And now, now that you're near
There's nothing more without you
Without you here


Ma lähen goo goo dollsi kontserdile. 11 oct, Liverpool.

I got married today.

Today i am empty
today i feel nothing
when it´s cold i´d like to die.

Today i would leave all here, to go back
my home, my family, my friends
my city
my sea
my lake
my moments.
Birds flying, stones and woods, trees and flowers.

I need rain.
To go out and walk and run in the rain
i need moment of lonelyness
i need some feelings, which would be more real than i had in past
i need to feel something
besides sadness.
tiredness.
sleeping.
wanting.
but not knowing.

I need it to feel true again.

I am afraid, that what seems to be gold, may not be the real gold.
But i was too passionate to believe in it.

I have some doubts.